For Alec
by theshadowhunterscodex
Summary: Jace can't take it anymore. But he will hold on. For Alec. - ( disclaimer: all characters do not belong to me. they belong to the lovely Cassandra Clare)


Jace can't take it anymore.

He thought he could.

But he couldn't.

Every day he sees Alec with Magnus and his heart goes crazy with emotions—love, hatred, anger and regret. He'd lost his chance with Alec as Magnus stole him away. Like a knight in shining armor.

_Alec's_ knight in shining armor.

Jace noticed Alec smiles wider than before, is happier than before. Every time he sees Alec laughing because of a joke Magnus cracked, he can't shake the feeling it should be him making Alec that happy. Not Magnus.

Of course Izzy noticed. The way Jace would look at Alec, pure adoration. And the way he would look at Magnus. If looks could kill, Magnus would have been long gone. He could keep it from Alec, but not Izzy.

She had tried talking to Jace but he shrugged it off, refusing to talk about it. It was too much for Jace.

But he held on for Alec, his parabatai. Jace would do it. For Alec.

"We're getting engaged!"

These three words were enough to send Jace's world crashing down all around him.

Jace forced a weak smile and his parabatai gave him a hug.

"Thanks for supporting me." Alec said.

"Congratulations."

Jace walked away and tilted his head back to stop his tears from spilling. Every fiber in his body was screaming for him to stop whatever he was thinking of doing. But he couldn't. Not anymore.

Jace slammed his bathroom door shut and tears streamed down his angular face. He fumbled around in the cabinet before he got hold of what he was looking for.

His antidepressants and razor blade.

Jace popped two pills in his mouth, telling himself not to overdose.

_52 days clean. _Jace reminded himself. But he didn't stop. He brought the blade down on his wrist that was filled with scars and felt the familiar pain again.

_0 days clean._

His blood looked absolutely red against his pale skin. Jace kept cutting, like his skin was paper.

_Oh Alec,_ Jace thought before the world fell out from under him. _You made a mess out of me._

.—

Jace felt warm hands around his cold ones and his eyelids fluttered and opened. They were met with piercing blue ones, staring right back at him.

"_Parabatai." _Jace said, a lot softer than he intended to.

"It's me." Alec replied, his eyes glistering with tears. When he blinked, a lone tear fell from his eyes. Jace reached out to wipe it away before he even registered what he was doing.

Jace saw Alec hold something in between his fingers and showed it to Jace.

The razor blade.

No, Alec wasn't supposed to know. Alec wasn't supposed to see Jace like this.

Tears flowed down Alec's cheeks. "You could have killed yourself."

Jace averted his eyes from his parabatai's gaze. "Scoot over." Alec said.

Jace did as he was told and Alec climbed onto the bed with him. Jace's body tingled at their close proximity. Alec's hand never left Jace's. And Jace prayed he would not let go.

They lay in silence for a few minutes, staring at the ceiling of the Institute's infirmary. Until Alec muttered, "Don't ever do that again, Jace. Please."

Jace nodded his head, willing for his next words to be true. "Okay."

Jace shifted so his back was facing Alec. Alec shifted too, so his chest was against Jace's back and he wrapped his arms around Jace. Jace fought back his tears but the odds were against him.

Jace didn't know why he said it. The words he dreaded to hear. _"It's against the law to fall in love with your parabatai."_

Jace felt Alec's body tense. It wasn't too long later when Alec whispered into Jace's ear. _"The law is tough, but it is the law."_

Alec only left when he thought Jace was asleep. He wasn't. Jace almost whimpered when he felt Alec's warmth leave his body.

He felt like an empty glass full of nothing. Like a snowless winter.

But he kept his promise to his parabatai. _Never do that again._ Alec's words rang in his ears.

And he didn't. For his parabatai. For Alec.

Sunlight poured through Jace's window, shattering the stillness of the night.

Jace sat up and was greeted by the sound of a constant rapping on his door.

"I'm coming." He muttered and dragged his body to the door.

Izzy was standing there in a white dress.

"You don't have to do this Jace. Simon can always fill in your spot as best man."

_Best man._

Right. Alec and Magnus were getting engaged today.

Jace smiled at Izzy. "Of course I have to do this. I'm his parabatai."

"Well then get changed. The groom has requested his parabatai over at the church in half an hour."

Alec looked great in his suit and bow tie, Jace noticed.

"Hey." Alec greeted him.

"Hey."

Alec looked at Jace for a while before saying, "I'm sorry, parabatai."

Jace shook his head. Today was Alec's big day. He wasn't going to let Alec pity him. He could wallow in his on self-pity.

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" Jace threw Alec one of his winning smiles.

Alec opened his mouth, as if he had something to say. But closed it, thinking twice.

"Well, we better get going. They're going to start wondering where you are, Mr. I'm-getting-married-to-a-warlock." Jace teased Alec as usual, but his heart ached.

"..You may now kiss the bride."

Jace was standing beside Alec as he watched him put his hands on Magnus's shoulders and leaned in until they were inches away from each other. Jace looked away. He couldn't watch this. Jace felt tears pricking at the corner of his eyes and he squeezed them shut, hoping his tears would not fail him.

When he opened his eyes again, he saw the crowd furrowing their eyebrows and throwing confused looks to the front. Jace swiveled his head to face the couple and he saw Alec slowly pushing himself away from Mag nus. Magnus was frantically searching Alec's eyes for an explanation.

"I can't believe myself. I'm sorry." Jace heard Alec say to Magnus.

Alec turned to face Jace and wrapped him in a hug, burying his face in Jace's neck.

Jace didn't know what to do; he just stood there, in shock.

The crowd was silent, waiting for what Alec had to say. Jace's heart was hammering in his chest.

"_If it's against the Law to fall in love with your parabatai, I'm not going to give my heart away to anyone else."_


End file.
